Gavin

Jules & Gavin

Who:Gavin julesloverboy; Jules julesignacio
What: Suicidal thoughts
Where: Jules' house
When: Friday; passed midnight
Rating: TBA
Status: Complete
Warning: Language; Blood


Gavin: After his brief argument with Jules Gavin was tossing and turning in bed. Jules had given him instructions to not wait up for him so he had every intention on being asleep when Jules arrived home later in the evening. He tried to slip into a dream but this bed seemed so uncomfortable he couldn't stand it. The sheets felt like thorns and the mattress felt like fire. He wasn't sleeping in Jules' bed but in the spare room. Feeling completely unwelcomed Gavin felt uncomfortable in the empty house. He tried his hardest to fall asleep but he felt sick to his stomach. After a while of just staring at the ceiling Gavin was successful and dossed off only to wake up in tears.

He wiped at his face and sat up in bed. The room was dark and he couldn't see a thing. The image of Jules with another was haunting his dreams. The salty water continued to flow down his checks. Swinging his feet off the bed Gavin got up and fumbled over to the light. He felt physically ill. He didn't even feel comfortable in his own skin. He began to pace the room with his hands in his hair, close to pulling the blond strands out. After a moment of just walking in circles he went to the center of the room and crouched down in the fetal position. He held his breath for as long as he could and then just started to scream. He was unbelievably frustrated, he didn't know what to do. Jules' mixed signals were going to drive him mad. After his little scene was over he brought his head up to catch the new addition to the family running down the hall. It was the pregnant Tabby cat that Jules wanted to keep so bad.

After getting out some energy Gavin felt much more calm, he got up and followed the feline to the kitchen. He searched but she was no where to be found. Jules had paid very little attention to the animal even though he had begged to keep her. Gavin felt much like that cat. With nothing to do and sleep being out of the question Gavin started to clean the kitchen. He cleaned the dishes and started to put away the cutlery when he came across a large knife. It shinned in the dim light of the kitchen and it caught his attention. With a sick and twisted gleam in his eye Gavin took the knife and sat at the head of the table with it. His eyes bounced back and forth between the sharp edge and his tiny wrist.



Jules: It was damn near close to the birds' time to start singing their morning songs when Jules finally arrived home, drunk...and freshly filled with new ideas on love. He had gone to see Vik (the culprit of what fueled the two lover's to quarrel in the first place) and then afterwards he had sought out Lu, telepathically. Lu put everything he was doing on hold just to see Jules. This in itself was one more thing that kept his esteem for Lu growing.

He was drunk of course and started calling out "Here kitty kitty." Looking for his new pet, but finding Henry instead. He picked him up and wrapped him lovingly around neck. He felt sexy when Henry was wrapped around him and he didn't mind the fact that Gavin didn't really like him too. When he saw Gavin it would be a nice touch for further irritation. If he was still there. The house seemed quiet. He walked through the house slowly entering the kitchen. Jules caught Gavin's silhouette and stopped in the doorway. He hadn't noticed yet what he was holding. "So, you're still here are you? You didn't let MY cat out did you? I only found Henry and I know how you hate them both. I'm not sure I know what it is you even liked about being here? She better still be in here." He threatened knowing Gavin hated that cat. "She's still welcome."



Gavin: Gavin was focused on the object in his hand. Should he do it? He had always heard that the sensation made you feel alive, but he wasn't sure if that was what he wanted to feel. He felt fur rubbing against his legs. It was the cat that had disappeared. Caressing his legs and called for his attention. With the knife still in hand he pet the top of her head and returned to his wrist. She was a slick cat Gavin hardly saw her during the day. He was beginning to like her little by little.

Gavin eyed the wrinkles on his skin in the area he had the knife in. Pressing the blade against his wrist his mind was flooded with thoughts. Could he ever get away from Jules? He was tired of running and he didn't think going to Hell would save him from seeing Jules. Something inside him was telling him to do it. To push hard against the skin and drag the knife down. Although, every fiber in his being wanted him to end his life he decided against it and just let the knife rest against his skin, for now. He hadn't heard when Jules entered the house and he jumped in his seat when he heard his voice. The jerk of the hand holding the knife caused it to dive deep into his skin, red hot blood spewing from his wrist. "Fuck," he yelled. He was bleeding all over the table. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," he repeated over and over again. Grabbing onto his wrist he turned to Jules with a look of desperation. He didn't mean to do it but he had.



Jules: Jules couldn't believe what he was seeing. Between the blood and the panic in Gavin's eyes the disdain in Jules' features changed to shock. He sprinted across the room snatching up a hand towel hanging from the oven handle and slapped it around Gavin's wrist. Jules applied so much pressure it had to be cutting of more circulation than needed. He held the arm up in the air with one hand the other squeezing Gavin just above his knee hard as Jules bent over him, his jaw jutted, his eyes wild, "What in the flying Fuck were you doing?!! Damn it Gavin! What the fuck is wrong with you?" The f-bomb was flying right and left and Jules was angry. He was already pumped up from his evening out and then this was the icing on the cake. Lu was right. Love didn't bring anything but trouble. "Fucking A, Gavin...are you trying to kill yourself? Why didn't you just fucking leave instead?" Then Jules caught the scent. The scent of Gavin's blood. If there was one thing that could alter Jules' state of mind it would be blood. Jules eyes rolled back a little in his head. He had to literally shake his head to try to snap out of it and focus on the task at hand. He shook his head violently one more time staring Gavin in the face then yelling out a scream of frustration.



Gavin: Crying out in pain when Jules was strangling his arm Gavin tried to wrestle away his hand from him. Jules had really hurt him, he didn't even want to be bothered with Gavin's dead body. He shook his head he knew he was being disillusioned by Jules. He knew their so-called love would be short lived. Yanking his arm away from Jules he took it in his own hand. His eyes widened as he saw the blood seeping through the towel. It was becoming a reality. Kicking his chair back when Jules suggested leaving over committing suicide he stood up and gave him an incredulous look. How could he say such a thing. "Yes, I was," he said examining his arm. Gavin's mind wasn't in the room with them it was off thinking about what a shitty death this would be.

With a great deal of attitude he snapped at Jules, "Which would you prefer Jules? Just tell me how would you like to see me go?" Dropping the towel and his wrist he let the blood pour out from his arm and spill across the floor. He was starting to feel light headed and his eyes were flickering between his normal round pupils to the cat-like slits. The alcohol in Jules system was affecting Gavin since he was in such a weak state. "Is that what you want? Just fucking tell me Jules." Snatching up the knife from the table with his blood soaked hand he stabbed the table and waited for his word.



Jules: Jules didn't know what he wanted now. His head was so full of his own pride, the blood's scent taking over his olfactory senses, which had to be constantly shaken off to remain half-way composed. Jules head was jittery fighting off the scent. When he heard Gavin say "Yes." His heart hurt. He came home ready to pounce on Gavin's attitude, but this was not how he pictured the scene. And even though he had already been telling Gavin he wasn't welcome there the sting from Gavin asking if Jules wanted it done was piercing him. And Gavin's wrist really did look pretty bad. He could also see Gavin was in no mood to take orders the way he fought Jules' off. Jules didn't think long, he didn't have time, he just reacted grabbing the bloody towel and with two large strides and a lunge he at Gavin knocking his smaller frame to the ground, straddling his legs around his chest and forcing the towel against the wrist again. This time he managed to get hold of the other arm too holding them both up over Gavin's head hard against the ground. Jules face leaning over panting from the physical exertion cause from the tussle. "Damn it Gavin. STOP STRUGGLING!" Jules yelled. "Do you really think THIS is what I want? Come on! Give me a Break? AM I that fucking bad? Why do you have to make this harder on me than it has to be? Can't you see I'm trying my best here?! FUUUUCK!" He screamed it in his face towering over him like that before taking two deep breaths and finally showing the sadness that fueled the anger in his eyes. "Damn it." He said far more softly. Jules face distraught and lost in the moment, the scent still making the whole thing that much harder on Jules.



Gavin: Blindsided by the sudden rush the knife slipped from Gavin's hand making a loud nose when it hit the ground. Gavin had every intention on slitting his other wrist and being done with it. He could feel himself becoming more weak and Jules dominating him wasn't making him feel much better. His head was throbbing with pain since it had been knocked against the floor when he was nearly tackled. He stopped resisting when Jules demanded it. "I'm sorry I'm making your life miserable, Jules. Why did you ask me to stay if I annoy you so much?" His blood had smeared across the floor and was leaking into his hair causing it to stick to the floor and change color. His wrist was stinging with pain as Jules held onto it. "You're fucking killing me Jules. You keep running off and then telling me you love me. How can I trust you? You give me so much room to doubt."

He turned his head from Jules laying the side of his face flat against the cold tile. His skin gathered some blood as it rested in the puddle. "Jules," he said looking at the base of a kitchen cabinet. "Seventy-two." Turning his head back over to Jules. "You have seventy-two eyelashes on the upper eyelid of your right eye." Tears began to fall from his eyes, he wasn't crying but he couldn't stop them from falling.



Jules: Jules was rolling in sweat in the rush of adrenaline. He felt a bead roll down his nose and dripped onto Gavin's cheek mixing with his tears. "Seventy-two?" Jules heart was broken wide open, he let go of Gavin's arms clutching at his chest when Gavin spoke. Did a broken heart really mean that it physically broke, because it sure felt that way to Jules just then. Jules must have been having a panic attack because all he could feel was the stake in heart and he couldn't breathe. How did he fuck this up so badly. Look at the ruins of what was left of his relationship already. His thoughts swirled back to Lu's concept of not deserving love. Maybe he really was cursed too. He was beginning to think so. Jules had just begun to see stars, little flecks of light from not getting the Oxygen to his brain when that scent trickled in again as his body forced in a deep breath. This brought Jules back to the scene at hand. "Please Gavin. Sit up sit up. Or just lay there. Don't move." He got up disoriented from his minor attack and yanked open a drawer to get clean towels. He came back and sat next to his partner, ripping proper strips to hold the wrist like tourniquet. "Just let me do this. Please. I can't lose you over this stupidity." He said already wrapping the wrist and tying it off. "My stupidity." He changed his words.



Gavin: Gavin was feeling severely nauseous, he wanted to get out when it was exactly that he had counted his eye lashes and the freckles on his face but he couldn't speak. Jules' voice seemed distant and his vision was beginning to blur. Pushing up against a cabinet he reached behind himself trying to hold on. Finally after being able to sit up he looked down at his wrist and the mess of blood he had made. It was the first time that he realized how much blood he had actually lost. It looked like someone had been murdered. The blood was seeping though his pants as he let his hand rest on his lap. The color of the blood was no longer red but a deep purple. "Shit," he whispered. He was out of breathe and tired.

Raising his other hand to point at a bottle of alcohol on the counter. He needed some courage and something to clean the wound. He was sure that if he got his demon juices flowing he would be able to survive. He watched as Jules got clean towels and began to cut them up. "Give me that," he pointed at the bottle again.



Jules: Jules snagged the bottle and handed it to Gavin. Jules continued to tend the wound not speaking about any of it. He washed it a bit and then made sure it sufficiently tied off to cut the blood flow. When Jules finished that he went and got some gatorade from the fridge. "Maybe this has more of what your body needs." Jules sighed looking at the bloody scene and his feeble-looking boyfriend wounded by his own hand maybe, but Jules was feeling the blame, the guilt, the shame of it drowning him quick. Jules was wondering if he was going to have resign to calling for medical help. He was scared and didn't know what to say to Gavin or to whomever he would call. Jules tears started to silently flow as he scootched up next to Gavin leaning him up against his chest, cradling his head. "Oh Gavin. Look what I've done to you." He kissed his forehead softly. "Let's not talk about all that right now. Just relax baby. Just relax." He said stroking Gavin's head. "I'm here now. And I'm not going anywhere...ever. I mean it. Just...relax." He was saying it to Gavin, but he was saying it to himself too. "You're gonna be fine and I'm not going anywhere without you right by side. Ok? We'll work this out baby. Please say we'll work this out."



Gavin: Gavin's head felt like it was swimming and he couldn't really perceive distance until her started to drink from the bottle. After hitting his tooth during an attempt at a sip Gavin looked down to realize his hand was shaking uncontrollably. He knew the only way he would get through this was if he drank. He needed to get in touch with his gifts. It was what his mother has bestowed upon him at birth. Concentrating on the bottle he straightened out his arm and aimed it at his mouth. Finally he was able to manage a few sips. He was right, the alcohol did make him feel better. His eyes becoming bright blue and cat-like. "This works," he said rejecting Jules offer of Gatorade. Everything was becoming clear again and he was feeling better. He nodded, Gavin couldn't relax--it was a false promise.

"We will," he looked around the room and he was disgusted with the mess he had made. He was feeling a little removed from what had happened and decided he needed to clean. It took some effort but he got to his knees and then to his feet. After a struggle he was standing up right. Sweeping down he picked up a rag and went to the sink to run water over the pink towel. He turned back to where he had been sitting and got back on his knees. Furiously scrubbing at the tile. "This is going to take forever to clean." Gavin was being weird but he didn't know how to deal with what he had just gone through. Jules might have taken things too far, and pushed Gavin beyond his limits.



Jules: Jules rushed up next to Gavin's side ready to catch if Gavin fell over. "Sit down. You're not cleaning this right now. You're not cleaning this at all. I'll deal with it. Just come and sit with me. Come on. We're going to lie down in bed. You're body needs to chill out." But, there went Gavin back down to the tiles. "GAVIN! Just stop." Jules spat yanking the rag from his hands. "Please. Just come with me. I have something for you." He didn't really think this was an appropriate time for gift giving, but Jules was in a panic trying to think of something to get Gavin to stop focusing on the mess and get him to just stop and relax. "Come on, Gav...I'll kick the cat out...anything, just stop. Please. I love you." He said looking rather defeated wishing there were stronger words to express himself. "Just come lay down...we'll talk about whatever you want."



Gavin: Gavin made a face when the rag was snatched from his hand, still feeling pain in his wrist. He winced and rubbed it. The blood seemed to have slowed. "Okay," he rubbed his forehead and then ran his hand through his hair only to stop when he got to part that was covered in blood. Ew. He wanted to shower but he was still too tired for that. "We need to name her," he looked for the cat who was now licking the blade he had cut himself with. "I want to keep her." Leaning up against Jules he let him help him up and towards their room. "A surprise," he asked. Gavin loved surprises and even though his mind was hazy he was still excited about the idea. "What is it?" Tripping on his own feet he held onto Jules for support.



Jules: The relief that hit Jules system was lightening as he heard Gavin agree. But, when he heard Gavin say he wanted to name the cat Jules smiled. This had to be a good sign. Jules stood and tossed the knife in the sink and helped escort Gavin to the master bedroom. "Yes a surprise. And you'll see." He smiled now towards Gavin. "I had something special made. He got Gavin in the bed said, "Right after I clean you up. Arms up. Arms up." He said tugging on the bottom to lift it over Gavin's head. "I'll take care of you." He kissed his temple and while his face was still close. "You're never gonna want for anything again...you'll see." Then Jules left for the bathroom bringing in a big bowl of water, a towel, and sponge. "I have to clean this up. I can barely focus. You know...the scent..." He was reminding Gavin of his own weakness and the physical problems associated with it. "You remember?" He asked since they hadn't had any of that kind of sex since Gavin had been home. Jules started to wipe him up softly as he continued talking, "So, you want to keep my kitty cat now huh? Got any good name ideas?"



Gavin: He looked over his shoulder as he was being escorted out of the room, "You really shouldn't let Henry out until after her kittens are big." Gavin's mind couldn't wrap itself around his almost suicide attempt. It was all a big mistake. Feeling a bit off topic he thought back about what had happened. "But who is going to clean," Gavin had an odd obsession with things being spotless and it showed at the most strangest of moments. Fumbling around in the dark hallway Gavin found himself clinging to Jules, "Just for me?" His voice was a bit too peppy for someone who had almost died minutes before. His mind wasn't functioning properly and a large grin spread across his face when Jules promised to take care of him. He wasn't sure how much he could believe in him any more. His mind felt corrupted and he had temporarily lost his ability to reason.

Resting his head back on the pillows Gavin brought his hand up to feel the skin on his forehead. In the few seconds Jules left him alone in he curled up in a ball with his knees to his chest. He shut his eyes and let Jules clean him up, "I don't know what we should name her." Gavin's mind was empty save for sporadic thoughts. He reached out for Jules and pulled him close. "I don't feel good," he declared, "come here." Maybe some physical contact could make him feel safe. His hand pulled on Jules shirt as his entire body continued to shake.



Jules: "I'll clean it later." Jules insisted and then "Oh baby." Jules said hanging onto him for dear life. His shaking scared Jules to death as he began to coddle and coo him, rocking him like an infant in his arms, trying to keep his connection with him. They sat there like that for what seemed like a very long time before Jules finally pulled back when cat jumped on the bed. Jules spoke to the cat, but there was much implied through it straight to Gavin. “I think I didn’t give that cat much attention around here like I should have. I was worried I'd grow attached and it would just leave me." All the little muscles in Jules expression feel on Gavin hoping he would get it. Then Jules thought now was a good a time as any if he were really gonna do it tonight. "And yes...special made just for you. I'll go get it. I'll be right back. I promise."

Jules looked back at Gavin as he walked out of the room to locate the surprise that Jules had planned on presenting under much different circumstances. He pictured a VERY different scene when he saw it in his mind. He ran to the car where he had left it and came back in, locking the front door. He brought in the brown paper bag, a gentle smile on his lips. “I was going to wrap it.” He said feeling like the biggest schmuck on the face of the planet. Then he pulled the item from the bag. “I was going to bring in dinner and …other stuff…a watermelon.” Jules admitted feeling even worse this wasn’t going according to plan. He hoped Gavin would understand the reasoning and joke behind the watermelon when he read the words embroidered on his gift. He unraveled the long piece of thick material to reveal what it really was, a new adjustable strap for Gavin’s Bass Guitar. It was black and the edges lined in leather with sturdy fasteners of each end. But, it was what Jules had especially designed on the outside that made the gift personal. In deep purple calligraphy the strap was embroidered with these words “I've had the time of my life, No I never felt like this before, Yes I swear it's the truth, and I owe it all to you.” It was quoted lyrics from the song I’ve had the Time of my Life from the movie Dirty Dancing. Gavin would understand this for sure with the time they had spent together. It held meaning and not just reminding them of both of their beloved movie, it held truthful sentiment that Jules wasn’t always able to express to Gavin in the ways that he wished he could or thought Gavin deserved. Then on the underside of the strap in smaller size lettering but the same font is said, “Love Your Baby, Julian.” Jules was already back in tears reliving the moment Gavin told Jules he could be his Baby as they watched Dirty Dancing, before Gavin probably had a chance to read it and soak it in. He couldn’t help it. His vision of this moment didn’t have a Gavin in it that just hurt himself, a Gavin that looked so worn out, or a Jules that felt about the size of pinhead when did it.

"Do you think it's stupid?" Jules was way less confident in the gift now after all that happened than when he first bought it.



Gavin: Hearing everything Jules said Gavin figured he would have to get used to decoding what Jules really meant and understood he was talking about him and not the cat. Gavin didn't notice Jules had left until he felt his warmth leave with him. Now sitting up right in the bed after Jules had left the house Gavin felt scared. He felt as if there was something in the house, something unwelcomed. Maybe it was his sanity that had manifested a third entity and was scaring him. Looking out the door of the room he could have sworn he saw something leap across the door way. Getting up to see for himself he walked over to the frame and peeked out passed the door. He looked around and saw nothing he decided it was just his mind playing tricks on him. He sat back down on the bed and pulled the covers over his head, the silence of the house was killing him. He heard something in the room and sat up as quickly as his tired body would allow him and his eyes scanned the room for the culprit that had scared him.

It was Jules, back with the gift. With a sigh of relief Gavin wanted Jules close to him again. He smiled when Jules made the movie reference and then took his gift in hand. Reading the lyrics on the strap Gavin's head began to pound again. He was completely distraught. Without a word Gavin gripped the strap tightly and pressed it against his chest. He tried to force Jules' love back into his heart. For a moment it was rejected but his eyes left the strap and landed on his face and he could feel a warmth inside his heart. "Lovely," it was the first word that came to mind. Reaching for him again Gavin gave him a kiss that supplanted the words Thank you and motioned for him to get closer to him. "Its not stupid," he assured Jules. "Its perfect."



Jules: "Will you actually use it?" He asked at first, but the small talk seemed crazy...Jules began crying, he was weeping loudly, his breath catching in all the wrong places. The reality of this event was hitting him hard square in the chest again. He was trying to remain looking strong for Gavin who needed all the courage and help he could get, but all of sudden with that kiss Jules just kept seeing flashes of what could have been if he wasn't there to catch Gavin in the act. If he wouldn't have taken Lu's advice, he originally came back home on Lu's advice to kick Gavin out pumped up with pride, but right then this was last thing Jules wanted and even having the knowledge that that was his intentions made Jules feel ashamed. "I almost killed you." He finally said. His couldn't think straight himself. "I would have turned the knife on myself if I didn't get here in time." There was a pause. "You're never gonna forgive me. You shouldn't." Jules voice got stronger. and held Gavin tightly. Then a very determined face gazed at Gavin. It was Jules making a vow to him, "I will spend the rest of my life making up for this. I won't let you down ever again, Gavin. I will be here. I want you to come with me everywhere. Please. I don't want you to be alone...ever. There nowhere I go that you're not welcome, I promise. I really do love you Gavin. I'm just scared bratty piece of shit that doesn't deserve you." He picked up Gavin's wounded arm and kissed on top of the wrapped wound lightly. the blood was all drying but he was still catching the scent. "I gotta finish cleaning you up." He stated starting to wipe down his skin with the wet towel. Jules was going to sponge him down for now. He seemed to weak for proper shower.



Gavin: Laying underneath the covers Gavin felt his chest heavy as if some kind of weight was pulling at the core of his soul. He wasn't sure if he could forgive Jules, he wasn't prepared to answer that tonight. His hand went up to brush away the tears that fell from his eyes. Basking in Jules' beauty Gavin felt conflicted. Jules did almost kill him. He didn't know if he would have done it that night or the next but it was very possible that Gavin was capable of taking his own life. And maybe if Jules didn't drive him to his physical demise he might have brought him to his spiritual death, robbing him of all the humanity he had left.

Gavin felt as if their romance was a never ending tragedy, Jules would have followed him into the eternal slumber after he had committed suicide. Adjusting his head on the pillow he tried to imagine what their relationship would be like if Jules held up all of his promises. Gavin knew he wasn't perfect and he didn't want Jules to paint him out to be so, "We don't deserve each other," he said under his breathe. He wasn't sure what he meant by it but he felt it made sense. Snapping his hand onto Jules wrist he looked into his eyes, "Has anyone ever told you that you talk too much?" Pulling the covers down he patted the bed. "I want to hold you, I want to feel you." Scooting over to allow Jules room to get under with him he rubbed his wrist were the wound had begun to heal. "Let me fall asleep in your arms," he pleaded.



Jules: Jules had actually never been told he talked too much, but then again... he never truly cared for who was doing either and was usually the one duct-taping mouths to shut people up so he could get off in peace. "Just come here." Jules finally smiled. He was so tired after this long night. Between Vik's and Lu's and then the scenario here with Gavin, it had been one very exhausting night. Jules got all comfy in the bed after pulling off the most of his now stained-clothes, his head rested against a large pillow. His arms were wide waiting for Gavin to come fill them. "I just want to sleep." He agreed. "With you."



Gavin:,/b> Snatching up the wet rag he ran it against his hair trying to remove some blood before falling asleep. Tearing off his shirt he tossed them both aside and made his way into Jules' arms. His warm embrace was the one thing that kept him from thinking too much and surrounded him with peace. Putting his head on Jules' chest the hand with the slit wrist rested on Jules' stomach. Hopefully he would feel better in the morning so he closed his eyes for a moment and caught himself in the strange realm between sleep and consciousness. His heart stilled as he felt a rush of panic, he opened his eyes and looked up to make sure Jules was still there. Putting his hand on the side of Jules' face he gave him one more goodnight's kiss and slipped into a peaceful dream.

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